dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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