He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
