I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
