saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
