Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
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