We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
