Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
