all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Randomize
