everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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