he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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