i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
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