MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
