it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
