Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
