It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize