Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
