I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
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