Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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