Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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