I could make wine with my vomit
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
