Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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