Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize