Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
I just gargled with NyQuil
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Randomize
