Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
All I want is dick and wine.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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