She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Randomize
