I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Randomize
