I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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