just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I wish I only lived at night.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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