Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
