totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
