why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
