Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
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