mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
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