i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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