I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Randomize
