He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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