the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
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