lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
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His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
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I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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