I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
But break dance skills will only take you so far
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
