I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
