We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
