i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
