he told me I talked like a deaf person
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
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