took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
