and you said cock pushups were impossible
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
