last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
