dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
