mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Why are your pants in the freezer?
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