did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Randomize
