Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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