My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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