a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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