Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
So squirting runs in the family.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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