Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
