Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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