My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
