He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
