im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
