my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
