when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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