Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
